Today I’m saddened by the news I just received from my friend. She just dropped her girls off with their father, her ex, who is about to move with them to another state, allowed by the courts. Her heart is broken. Being ripped from her chest. And I know EXACTLY how she feels.
After finishing an almost 3 year long battle with her now ex-husband. The courts awarded him full custody. The courts awarded a man the right to take their daughters out of state, limiting the contact with their Mother, thinking this will be in the best interest of the children. So now you’re thinking… OH well she must be a crackhead, slut, drunk or abusive. To the contrary. In the end, it’s more about who has a more powerful attorney, who can slander the other better, without looking bad themselves, who is a better manipulator, of the courts, and of the other spouse.
Let me tell you what a fucking sad situation this is. It’s sad for everyone. But mostly it’s the children that are affected. One of the most frustrating situations is when the children are placed, or somehow end up with an abusive ex. Maybe not someone who is physically abusive, but mentally, which in my opinion, can be equally as bad, and leave just as many scars. People underestimate the power of this type of abuse. It doesn’t even have to be verbal abuse, yelling, saying hurtful things. It can be passive aggressive. Body language, mental torture. It takes years to get over these kinds of abuses. Actually, “get over” isn’t what I mean, you never get over abuse. Time makes it easier to accept the things that have happened, and hopefully made you wiser to it. But I know from experience, you can be removed from it for a decade, and then a situation will arise, someone snaps a comment at you… and you’re taken right back to that nasty place you once lived. Call it an abuse flash back. You skin crawls. You feel it all over again, the guilt, the shame, the feeling of being helpless and trapped.
This is where I am tonight. Sickened with the thought that another woman has to go through the separation from her children, the gripping pain in her chest, the disbelief, the pain, the tears, physical illness, depression, anxiety, fear, self-loathing, numbness. Yet I know there are millions of women suffering right now. Victims of their husbands/partners first, then of a system that fails them. The system is broken.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure that men suffer when they are separated from their children. But for a woman, a Mother, it IS different. This human life was created inside us. It grew, and we endure amazing physical changes. We grow and extra organ, to feed and nurture this little life. For half a year, we can feel them moving inside us. No man can understand this. Not fully. Not ever. Women feel actual physical pain when separated from their children. Only when they see their children again, to they have a certain peace. A calmness in their souls. That wonderful mother/child connection.
Hopefully my friend will call me later, and I’ll listen to her, that is if she has anything to say. She may be too drained emotionally to talk. I’ll understand that too. So this blog is for her, and all the other non-custodial Mothers out there, suffering tonight, hurting, crying. You’re not alone, even though you feel like a gaping open sore exposed to the universe. I’m right there with all of you.
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